When people would talk to me of having their babies or giving birth, they would describe it as "love at first sight" and "a love more profound than any other that existed". I was therefore excited and curious to experience this feeling and to see if it really was as magical as they had told me it would be.
I found the whole "birthing" experience to be rather frightening and as I had to have a c-section, the drugs dulled a lot of the endorphins normally triggered by natural birth.
Despite that, seeing my baby for the first time was the single most amazing experience of my life. The love, however, I did not find it to be what people had described and I felt guilty that it was not a "love at first sight" moment. I felt the baby was still an extension of me. The best way I could describe it is as though an organ had just been pulled out of me and to stay alive I had to look after the organ outside of my body. The love I felt at first was closer to a self-love. The birthing experience was surreal, scary and magnificent all at the same time. As my baby Rumi grew, I began to fall in love with him, not just because he is my child but for the individual that he is.
My short introduction to motherhood has been hard; many sleepless nights (as they tell you it will be), then there is the feeding which was not easy for me, and then the constant fear for their well-being. It definitely is not something that books or people can teach you, lord knows I tried. I found the more advice I received, the more confused I was and the more insecure I became in my own abilities as a mother. Until I came across a book from a psychiatrist, D.W. Winnicott, that emphasized that nature had equipped women to be mothers just with instinct, that women throughout time, from different levels of education, have succeeded to raise healthy children. Once I stopped looking for answers in books and relied more on my own instinct, life became easier and motherhood more enjoyable.
My son is the best gift life could have given me, he is the dream I always dreamed of. After four and a half months of being a mum, I can agree with all those other mums out there: it truly is a love more profound than any other that exists.
Happy Mother's Day to all the mamas out there!